Food Challenge: Accepted

Remember when your parents used to say, “Eat up! There are hungry kids in Africa”? I never really had a problem with this since I usually guzzle whatever is on my plate down to the tiniest piece of rice. No joke. However, some people have taken this concept a bit too far.

I’m talking about Man v. Food and the guys of the YouTube phenomenon Epic Meal Time. Out of all the cooking shows or food shows out there, these two stand out because their main objective is not the culinary art per se, but to wolf down whatever absurd creation is set on their plates. Both have been described as Jackass in the kitchen but it’s all in good fun.

In Man v. Food, the charismatic host, Adam Richman faces off against the most ridiculous food eating challenges in America. Facing meals ranging from five 24 ounce milkshakes in less than half an hour to eating a dozen buffalo wings soaked in habanero sauce in ten minutes, safe to say he doesn’t always win the challenge.

Epic Meal Time takes the gluttony to another level. In one episode, the team sets out to buy a ton of meals from different fast food restaurants (about 15 burgers from each major franchise) only to blend it into one huge junk-food lasagna. They proceed to consume large quantities of alcohol and devour the dish.

But America is too fat and I blame bacon. Obesity and overweight related conditions are some of the leading causes of preventable death in the United States. Strange to think that at a worldwide level one of the leading causes of death is malnutrition. This means that a “food challenge” in a place like Kenya consists of stealing antelope meat from a pack of hungry lions, whereas a food challenge in any diner in America consists of how much bacon you can jam into your esophagus. I love bacon, but I see a problem here, does anybody else?

I’m not about to promote the persecution of fat people (although let’s face it wouldn’t be a long persecution since fat people can’t run), however, organizations like the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance who fight against the discrimination of obese people in America have gone far enough.  Santa Claus has mislead us into believing fat people are jolly. But it isn’t always true. Obesity is dangerous and it affects more and more people every day.

So why are people obese? Because they eat too much and they don’t exercise. Simple.

Big Macs worldwide, for example, have a bit more or less than 500 calories. That’s ¼ the amount for an average 2000 calorie diet and nobody has just the sandwich.

Obesity can be catalyzed by bad genes but it isn’t an excuse for the people I’ve seen walking around Disney World. So let us leave it at this:

If you’re a bit chubby it’s fine, nobody expects everybody to be perfect.

If you don’t fit in an airplane seat you have some dieting and exercising to do.

I propose we begin a new version of Man v. Food, where Adam Richman gets in an arena with a cow with nothing but a fork and knife and only if he can bring it down and kill it can he begin to eat. Truly epic.

If you watch Two and a Half Men, you deserve Ashton Kutcher.

“Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?

Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!

(Recorded Laughter)”

I took this quotation directly from a fan site of Two and a Half Men in a section titled “Most Popular Quotes”. Are you serious people? How this show is about to begin recording it’s ninth season is above me.  

Let me break down the show for you:

Charlie gets laid.

Alan doesn’t.

Jake is dumb and likes cake.

Ok, I understand the show. What I don’t understand is how in the year 2011 people still watch shows with such predictable set ups and with a recorded laughter track. Are we that lazy that we have to be told when to laugh?

If we were to suppress the laughter track on shows like Two and a Half Men, people would never laugh. Why?

Because by the eighth season: Jake was still just a fat teenager. Jon Cryer’s closeted Alan still couldn’t get a break. And Charlie Sheen couldn’t even pretend to be sober anymore. Laughter tracks were already old news when Andy Kaufman was playing "Latka" and they aren't making a comeback. The reason Seinfeld could get away with the laughter track was that it was funny in between as well.

The new season will star Ashton Kutcher in a role set to replace Charlie Harper and although I am dreading coming across it on TV, there is actually some confidence in my heart that this is its last season. Ashton Kutcher? What were the producers thinking? Eye candy for the ladies? The last time I saw Ashton on screen was the Las Vegas movie with Cameron Diaz and after only five minutes of movie I truly considered oedipism  (removing my eyes from their sockets with a pin) while setting my television on fire. I truly believe the show can go no lower. So I ask all readers to help me out by boycotting the TV show in hopes of expediting its cancellation.

Other comedies you should not watch:

How I met your mother – Nobody cares how you met her, stop whining.

Glee – I don’t want to see high school drama and I sure as hell don’t want to hear about it in song.

The Middle – The janitor from Scrubs is the father. I can’t get past that.

The Big Bang Theory – Catchphrases like “Bazinga!” are not funny.

Modern Family – This one is a show I actually really like but I put it on the list because I hate the little Mexican kid and it’s staying here ‘til they kill him off. We get it, you’re precocious, move on.

The Office – How is this show still on? I felt it jumped the shark after season 3. Even Steve Carrell is abandoning this Titanic.

Parks and Recreation – Let’s rewrite The Office why don’t we?

Comedies to Watch instead:

30 Rock – A more accessible alternative and torch bearer to Arrested Development (the cancellation of that show will forever pain my heart-soul) this amazing show created by Tina Fey is not for everyone. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it, period.

Bored to Death – Struggling alcoholic pothead novelist gets dumped by his girlfriend and decides to become a private investigator advertising himself on Craigslist. Life is a box of chocolates. Dark chocolate.

Eastbound & Down – Jody Hill, Will Ferrell, Adam McKay and Danny McBride. Irreverent.

Some cancelled shows you can check out online:

Arrested Development

Extras

Party Down

Occupation: The Batman

Money Worries

I quit my day job recently because I decided I would much rather be Batman instead. Let me clear up that I don’t plan on reviewing movies unless I absolutely have to, so this isn’t going to be a movie review.

 I believe the reason why Batman has become such a popular comic book character, beyond the Dark Knight’s obscure nature and ninja fighting abilities, is simply because he has the ultimate power of them all: Money. Superman has nothing on Batman because the Batman, my friends, is loaded. We become enamored with Bruce Wayne’s ability to buy any gadget he pleases, from grappling hooks to the Batmobile (the ultimate guy toy).  Just take a look at any guy with a remote control and I bet you he already thinks he’s got some kind of super power.

Forbes magazine published  a list of the wealthiest fictional characters and Bruce Wayne placed number eight on the list with an estimated $7 billion. Scrooge McDuck headed the list with about $28 billion and it got me wondering about how unimaginative we are as a society, since Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are both above the $50 billion mark and could easily buy out every fictional character on the list if they chose to do so. Even the Facebook kid could out-Batman Bruce Wayne if he just hit the gym a little. Bruce Wayne is our modern day Edmond Dantès and Batman is his Monte Cristo. So if you happen to have about $7 billion lying around, there’s an idea for an interesting investment opportunity.

The New Batman Franchise

Anybody can make a piece-of-crap Batman movie and still sell tickets like crazy. Ask Joel Schumacher or Tim Burton. Okay okay… everybody’s going to go ahead and defend Jack Nicholson right now but hear me out first.

You can make any movie based on a super hero and still make a fortune. Marvel comics is on X-Men 10 or something along those lines.

So what differentiates the new Batman movies from any other comic book flick? That director Christopher Nolan understands that a character can only be as strong as the forces that oppose him. There can only be a protagonist if there's an antagonist to fight him. This applies to all movies not only those based on comic books and the antagonist is not always a villain. Nolan’s Gotham is bleak, dangerous and has been lost to crime and corruption. And beyond creating a movie much darker and more realistic than any comic book movie seen before, Nolan creates amazing forces of opposition.

In Batman Begins, the movie’s villain is the Scarecrow who, sponsored by Rha’s Al Ghul and aided by a powerful neurotoxin, incarnates fear itself. I believe even FDR would approve.

In The Dark Knight, the Joker (Heath Ledger in his best role) represents chaos. He doesn’t want money, he doesn’t want power, he doesn’t even want to take over the world, he just wants to watch it burn. Batman, who is very human like you or me, must live up to that challenge.

The last movie of this franchise, The Dark Knight Rises will premiere exactly a year from now so we have a long way to go but the first teaser trailer, with some flashes of the villain Bane just came out. Did your inner child just say “hell yeah”? Thought so. 

Patriotism: It’s Dead

I was cruising through the sports channels on my TV looking for anything worthy of my time when something drew my attention. It was the Women’s Football World Championship ("soccer" for dumb Americans who can’t play along with the rest of us). I know what all of you are thinking at this point because the same questions popped into my mind. Why am I watching this? Why are they kicking each other in the shins? Why is this even on ESPN and not Lifetime Television? And even though I do not know the answer to those last two questions, the reason I stopped to watch was this: Megan Rapinoe of the American team had just scored her second goal against the opposing Colombian team. The game was now Two-Nil and Ms. Rapinoe excitedly raced towards the pitchside microphone at the edge of the field, tapped it a couple of times and bellowed a chorus verse of Springsteen’s “Born In the U.S.A!”. How patriotic!, is what some of you might be thinking right now. Well, you’re wrong. Pack your bags Ms. Rapinoe ‘cause we ship traitors to Guantanamo.

“Born in the U.S.A.”  was a reaction by Springsteen towards the Vietnam war and, although used on many occasions as a nationalistic anthem (Ronald Reagan used it in his 1984 presidential campaign), the vibrant chorus was not a proclamation of nationalistic beliefs but a lament for the loss of these values.  

So my question is: What does it mean to be an American, or a citizen of any nation by that matter? In what way is a person from Florida related to a person from Alaska? What do YOU have in common with someone from West Virginia or Georgia? I just got a chill in my spine thinking about banjo playing boys and toothless mountain men.  Is it the symbols that represent us? What do these symbols mean?

The national flag: Also known as the star-spangled banner has known up to thirty different versions that I can think of, the current one inaugurated in 1960 after Hawaii was annexed to the U.S. territory. And it doesn’t stop there. The designs for the 51^st state flag are already available. And yes, I am talking to you, Puerto Rico.

The national anthem: It’s a poem written in 1814 by a lawyer named Key, set to the tune of an old British drinking song. I guess I take it back because a drinking song does seem to appeal to a more universal audience.

I just bring up the point because it seems that nobody cares about patriotic values anymore unless there’s a sporting event or a new Mel Gibson movie out. Is that what your country means to you, an Olympic gymnastics team or a pothead swimmer with an under bite? If it is, then what’s the point of belonging to a country anyways? Even if you were born in China, your borders have been changing throughout history. And if you weren't, chances are your country isn't even 250 years old. And I'll let you in on a little secret: It ain't gonna last. The idea of permanence in this everchanging world is absurd. Just ask my friend Milos from Yugoslavia.

The whole concept of belonging to a specific territory in this globalized society seems archaic. I was born in Peru, my sister was born in Miami and I am currently writing from Chile in English, and that’s not uncommon in today’s world. I’m not about to go burning cars like the kids do in France but I do have questions.  And I guess my main question today is why don’t people, people like Megan Rapinoe, take a second to think a little about certain things before yelling them out on international television?